Addiction Narrows Our Focus

I went to my addiction recovery group (A.R.P.) tonight and heard some good thoughts from the men who attend. I can always draw on the strength of others when I’m feeling weak or doubting my commitment.

The group leader made a great statement about addiction and how it can narrow our view. He said, “Addiction is like going to the rim of the Grand Canyon and taking in the view through the opening of a straw.”

I’ve found from my experience that this is defenitely a true statement and when I’m in the height of my addiction I’m very self-centered finding it a struggle to be interesting in anyone/anything else.

Now that I’m in recovery (even though I’ve relapsed I’m still working my recovery and the 12-steps) my views have changed. Many of the crusty barnacles that have been weighing me down are being stripped and through the process I can clearly see how things truly are. I can see how valuable my wife, kids, and relationships are… something I’ve taken for granted the entire time.

Is Sexual Addiction Real?

I was reading on some other blogs from folks who were questioning whether sexual addiction was a legitimate addiction, or just folks who are weak minded or morally corrupt. When we think of sexually addictive people, we think of celebs/politicians who were recently named in scandals, publicly humiliated while their families crumble and fade.

Some of these ideas about sexual addiction attributed myself being in denial for around 20+ years. I would think, “I’m not a sicko, I don’t get prostitutes, don’t go to strip clubs, etc. How can I be compared to those I see in the tabloids as a sexual addict? I’m no where near that bad, I must not be addicted.”

Sexual addiction is a fairly new concept overall. AA was founded in 1935 but it wasn’t until the 1970’s that scientists realized that alcoholism could be genetic, and that it was a disease which affects the brain. Now it’s obvious to most everyone that alcoholism is a legitimate addiction to alcohol.

What, exactly, is addiction?

“Addiction is the use of a substance or activity for the purpose of lessening pain or augmenting please, by a person who has lost control over the rate, frequency, or duration of its use, and whose life has become progressively unmanageable as a result.”

Another way of thinking of addiction is as a pathological (unhealthy) relationship with a mood-altering experience. People can become addicted to experiences as well as substances. Withdrawal symptoms occur when the addictive behaviors have been stopped, just as it does when you quit using drugs.

I’ve been going through withdrawals in a similar manner to those that quit cocaine or other addictive substances with 46 days of sobriety. I feel irritable, depressed, increase of appetite, headaches, fatigue, excessive tiredness, etc.

In short, YES, sexual addiction is real. It is more addictive than any drug or substance because as humans we are hardwired to be sexual. The world would have us believe that porn, masturbation, and promiscuous sex is okay, natural, and even healthy (as long as it’s safe sex some “experts” claim).

Don’t just think of strip clubs or prostitution as the main byways of sexual addiction. Prime-time TV, movies, media, Internet porn, etc., these are the drug dealers of sexual addiction. They are easily accessible and easy to keep secret.

The truth is that sexual addiction to any extent ruins lives. It ruins families. It ruins careers. It will eventually consume your life if you don’t learn to live and control your sexual desires in a truly healthy way.

Working With Your Spouse

These thoughts are more geared towards the POV of the spouse/partner of the addicted instead of the addicted, although I find them helpful (as the addicted :P)

• When our partners regress, we tend to regress. Work on staying stable.
• Here’s a dialogue that can be helpful:  I feel(angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated) about ______________ so I’m going to back off.  I’ll take care of me – you take care of you.  Then we’ll get together and discuss what happened. 
• Sometimes we need to take care of the child in us so the adult can recover. (self care)
• A functional response to anger/disappointment:  I feel/don’t feel _______________________. I need ______________.  (Instead of an angry response that doesn’t seek to solve the problem.)
• The role of a spouse is to be a witness to our lives. (A witness seeks to understand, support and help us understand what’s going on.)  Emotional divorce is when we don’t witness for each other (seek to understand, support and give insights.)
• Expectations Color our feelings.  Our movie of what life should be can cause constant frustration. (Steffi has said before that most of our expectations about life/marriage are based on fantasy.  They are often unrealistic to some degree.)

Daily Affirmation: Gratitude

We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more. –from Codependent No More

Say thank you, until you mean it.

Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Gratitude makes things right.

Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude’s power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.

Say thank you until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.

Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.

Adapted from Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

Daily Affirmation: Wanting & Fantasy

Sometimes it’s the wanting we want.  Not the having.  Wanting provides us with a personality that is as familiar as an old shoe.  When we want, we can dream about what it will be like when we have. 

When we want, we create the beginnings, the middles, the endings of our dreams.  We’re in control.  In life, of course, the dreams of other people, along with their fears and their angers, are half of any outcome.  When we spend our lives wanting, we can dream about how it will be when we get exactly what we want.  That incurs no disappointments, no risk, no vulnerability, no chance of being hurt.  When we spend our lives in the present moment, with what we already have, we lose some degree of control. 

If you get what you want, you think you will be happy, that the intense preoccupations will be gone and you will be able to concentrate on other areas of your life.  You believe it will change your life.

When you get what you’ve been fantasizing about, it’s pleasant but there are still bills to be paid, bosses to pacify and life to be reckoned with.  You must still learn how to give love and how to compromise, how to say no and how to risk failure.  You still have to make sense of the conflicts within you, and inevitably someone you love disappointing you in some way. 

During all those years of wanting you put parts of your real life on hold and created a cushion between you and the aspects of living that were not in your control.  Fantasizing protects you from the unfairness of life; it funnels the grief and sadness and pain of being alive away into fantasy.

…

Adapted from Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth

Daily Affirmation: Dealing With Fear

Don’t panic.

Problems were made to be solved. Life was made to be lived. Although sometimes we may be in over our heads—yes we may even go under for a few moments and gulp a few mouthfuls of water—we won’t drown. We’re wearing and always have been wearing a life jacket. That support jacket is called “God.”

Affirmation: Today, I will remember to take care of myself. When I get in over my head, God is there supporting me—even when my fears try to make me forget.

Adapted from Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

Daily Affirmation: Healing

Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process—a journey rather than a destination.

Just as addiction takes on a life of its own and is progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things—as well as us—get better.

We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.

Affirmation: Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken.

Adapted from Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

Addiction Thrives in Secrecy

Today I went to my 12-step program which is called A.R.P. It stands for addiction recovery program. The program I go to mostly has sexual addicts with a few alcoholics. The alcoholics go for alcohol abuse and then often realize they are also addicted to masturbation and pornography. It’s very social acceptable to masturbate so most folks don’t consider it an addiction… until they try and stop (and can’t).

I have a long time friend who goes to this group. We’ve known each other for years and neither of us knew about our issues until I walked in and saw him there. He had only been attending for 2 weeks previous to me showing up. It’s great to be able to share our frustrations out of the course and help buoy each other up in terms of duress.

Today he shared something new. He was probably ashamed to share it before. It started when I expressed new temptations to drink alcohol. I’ve never had a drink and I don’t ever plan to. It’s never been of interest to me at any point in my life. Because I’m in recovery for one addiction, it’s normal to want to replace it with something else which can help you escape/cope. I’ve been faced with gambling, video games, over eating or eating sweets, etc., and now alcohol. The thought just randomly popped into my mind one stressful day. Not sure where it came from but I quickly dismissed it rather than entertain the thought.

My friend then chimed in that he had actually started drinking in his early 20’s. He had never drank previous but he was messing around with a girl and when she dumped him, he started to drink. It was pretty casual at first. Then he began mixing the alcohol with prescription drugs. He would have crazy experiences and liked how it felt. He admitted that he wouldn’t remember anything and then weeks later some memories of his wild night would surface. He remembered drinking rubbing alcohol to the extent that it was very dangerous. He started to tear up as he explained this could have killed him.

He went on about some other bad experiences with alcohol and prescription drugs. After he shared I could tell he felt a weight lift. Because he shared this info he probably felt others may look down on him. I truly feel that the opposite occurred. I respect him a lot more for having an issue, facing it, sharing it, and sharing his recovery from it (or the process thereof). Shame is why addicts keep their addictions secret. Addiction thrives in secrecy and when we expose our weaknesses, it can make us stronger.

I have a lot more admiration and respect for my friend. I’m glad that he’s learned a tough lesson and stronger because of it.

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